You don’t notice, but she’s sitting there, at the stiff desk the schools supply, flipping pages in a notebook filled with words, changing her story. Her mind is cluttered with thoughts but she can’t seem to put them down on paper. She gives herself a phrase, thinks, knows how to say it in her mind and hopes she can portray her honest thoughts on the paper, the same paper that’s in your hot little hands.
She loves this kid, has loved him, will love him and she doesn’t care about the negative opinions from his and her friends both, that constantly surround them. They lasted two years and will continue to last decades, and she wouldn’t give him up, not even for an “A” in Pre-Calculus. They met when she was a freshman, and he was a junior and they made each other priorities. She’s a junior now, and he graduated last year, their friends often tell them they act like a married couple. They wouldn’t have it any other way
She tries to be successful in life, do well in her classes, help friends, and be happy. Time will tell how successful this girl will be. A report card will show how well she did in her classes. Her friends are curious to see if she will still be there in the future. However her happiness cannot be simply shown, that smile; it’s a lie, holding her up day by day, making her appear strong when she’s weak.
She wonders why people act the way they do. Why do people hurt others that they love? Why are people content with lies told by liars? Why will someone go out of their way to hurt someone else? Well she’s beginning to understand the answers. People are afraid of getting hurt first, so they act in fear and hurt the other person before they get the chance. People believe liars because they want what they are saying to be true. People that go out of their way to hurt someone are uncomfortable in their own skin and they are pathetic enough to make someone feel as bad as they do.
She doesn’t understand why she’s there for people she cares about but at the end of the day they don’t care for her. “I’m strong for those that I love when they are weak. But when I am weak, there is no one there to be strong for me.”
She sees every imperfection, every flaw, everything that’s wrong with her. She’s disgusted, she’s unhappy, but she smiles like everything is fine because one weak person could easily bring the strong ones down. She knows that. She doesn’t want to be the reason someone is down.
She appears fierce and strong but inside she’s timid, terrified of her next move. She’s scared to make one wrong step. Someday the life that she’s comfortable with will be taken away. She’ll be left with only a memory and with the memories that she’s making, she’ll long for the real deal.
She wants so much in life. Her career choice is a neonatal nurse, she wishes for a family, she desires that perfect suburban housewife story. She wants happiness at the end of the day, when she’s laying in bed thinking of what happened and what she could have done differently if she had given it more thought.
She hopes you enjoyed the trip and the honest thoughts.
All i have to is Im speechless. This was such an AMAZING piece like you have no idea how much I loved it. From the start to very end its so strong. Nothing negative about it but if i was forced to say something I would say in paragraph four on the line that goes " hurt first, so they act in fear..." i would take out the first. You did a really good job thanks for sharing
ReplyDeleteI really liked the changes. The Tim paragraph was my favorite and the last sentence to that paragraph was really powerful. the only thing i would change is near the end when you talk about laying in bed thinking about what you would do differently...its a long sentence and a mouth full..i would reword it or shorten it somehow to make it less confusing. love you! and this is my favorite piece of yours.
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